A Fraction Of What I Carry, Reaching Thousands

She would rather not say this out loud and she is going to have to, because it has been eating her for two years.

She watches people who have less of it than she does go further with it than she ever has. That is the sentence. Not people who work harder, because some of them do. Not people who are better, because that is not for her to say. People with a fraction of what she is carrying, in front of thousands, and she can tell, and she is not wrong.

The thing that rises when she sees it is not clean. Some of it is a real ache about all those people and what they are being handed and what they could be handed instead. Some of it is fury that has nothing to do with anybody but herself.

And she cannot separate the two. She has tried, honestly, on her knees, more than once, and she cannot get a blade between them, and so she has begun to distrust the whole of it, including the part that might have been God.

That is where she is. A woman with something real in her hands and no way to tell whether her longing for it to go further is a calling or a sin.

If you cannot tell the difference either, come in and sit down. Nobody with a large ministry is going to be run down here.

She is being asked to do surgery she cannot perform

Let us name what she has actually set herself, because it is impossible and she has been failing at it for two years.

She has decided she must separate her motives before she is allowed to move. Sort the ache from the fury, discard one, act on the other. It sounds like integrity. It is in fact a requirement nobody in the book is ever given, because no person has ever been able to do it, and the attempt turns into a two year interrogation with no verdict.

And there is a cost while the surgery is attempted. The thing in her hands, which is real and is needed, sits still, because she will not move until she has certified herself.

You are not disqualified by a mixture. Nothing about motives you cannot separate has ever been a ruling against your heart. I am not saying it to excuse envy. Scripture says rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way (Psalm 37:7), which is spoken to somebody already watching somebody else do better, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes it hold in a woman who can tell what she is looking at.

Spoken to a person already watching

Here is the part that turned this for me, and it takes nothing off one person with a large ministry.

Read who the verse assumes it is talking to, because it does not assume a person who has already got their heart right.

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.Psalm 37:7

Him who prospereth in his way. The psalm takes for granted that the reader is watching somebody else go further and is churning about it. That situation is the occasion of the verse, not a failure that disqualifies the reader from it.

And what it asks for is rest, which is a posture, not a purified motive. It does not say sort yourself out and then rest. It says rest, and fret not, addressed to a person mid fret.

You are given rest as the instruction rather than purity as the entry requirement, and Scripture speaks it to a person already watching. That is written into the verse itself, and it is the Holy Spirit who brings it to a woman two years into a private cross examination.

Nobody with a large ministry is being judged

Something must be said very plainly, because a page like this could easily become a comfort built on somebody else's expense.

She said they have a fraction of what she carries. She may be right. It does not follow that they are frauds, or shallow, or that they took something. God distributes as He wills, and He has plainly given some people a reach that others do not have, and the ones out in front are mostly tired and are carrying things she cannot see from here.

And this page is not going to tell her that her judgment about her own capacity is arrogance. It might be accurate. It is simply not a claim on anything.

You do not need a platform for this to be real. It was given to you, not to an audience. Scripture says the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal (1 Corinthians 12:7), where the giving is not scaled to the size of the audience, and it is the Holy Spirit, and not a comparison she can make accurately, who determines reach.

And if these two years have cost more than the women in that room know, if sleep has gone, if watching has started to frighten you, please talk to somebody real: your doctor, a counselor, a crisis line, and the emergency services if there is danger to anybody tonight. That is not a detour around God. It is one of the ways He keeps people.